( Ed. note this does not reflect the absolute view of the Don't Sleep Coalition, but the shit's still pretty funny... )
HOW TO BE AN ASSHOLE AND GET LAID
I read somewhere that many cultures have stories similar to Cinderella, but they were created completely isolated from each other. What this means is, every culture has poor, slutty girls dressing up to get laid by Prince Rich Dick. This is how to take advantage of these girls trying to find Mr. Right at a shitty bar that they think is the ball of their very own bedtime story.
First thing’s first: You better have some money. If you can’t pay, don’t play.
Also, women do mature, so if you plan to try this on some ugly old hag, fuck you. With older women your wedding ring better have some diamonds in it if you want a chance at that ass. This is meant to help you mind-fuck a young hot girl into confusing you being an asshole as you being superior. Young girls have a real hard time deciphering if you really are as awesome as you lead them to think. Most of the time, they really don’t give a shit who you are, just as long as you keep them duped. “It’s not my fault” is a girl’s wet dream.
As well, if you’re just some ugly shithead, try starting with your level. Yes, you deserve / want the hottest girl — so does everyone else.
SET UP YOUR PLACE
Always keep some drugs at home. A six pack, a joint, a few lines. When the time comes at the bar, the easiest out is to invite her over to do more drugs. It’s good to have condoms, even if in the middle of your drug-raged, shitty sex, you rip it off. She will like your willingness to fuck her without a condom — just move quickly to keep her confused. If she asks if you took off the condom, just say “Do you eat a Snickers while it’s still in the wrapper?” By the time she gets the whole meaning behind what you just said, she will be enthralled and imprisoned by you ravaging her. Just don’t be a dumb asshole and get her pregnant. But before you can buy her the morning after pill, you need to find her.
It is also good to have cigarettes with you. I have gotten into many tight spots because of these little chest warmers. My theory is if a girl asks you, out of everyone, for a smoke, she wants to smoke your cock. Call me big-headed. If you don’t smoke, put one behind your ear, so she can still see you have them.
The best thing you can do is go to a hot spot. Do not go into your regular hangout bar. You are trying to get laid here, not find someone with a common interest — the common interest should be dick in vagina. The hip places most often fade quickly. This means she can see fucking you as distant as when that bar was cool. If you do somehow pull off finding a girlfriend out of a fuck-the-first-night type, congratulations, you have tamed a whore. Just don’t be surprised when she gives head to a roadie for a band touring in a beat-up church van.
Once you see her seeing you, let her check you out. Show her some jawline, show her your social skills. Take some time. If you get too aggressive right away, you will seem like the Terminator and her pussy will turn into John Connor.
So you have shown you can be distant. You won’t be a clinger. If she hasn’t at least made motions into your party voice area, then forget about her and find the next one — she may come around anyway. You have to convince this girl of the fact that she is the commodity.
Feel free to try to approach her, but not only are you showing your cards to her, you are showing them to every other girl that may have interest in you.
TALK TO GIRLS IN FRONT OF HER
This is a great way to actually approach girls without the motive of fucking them on your mind. Sure, go talk to girls that are fuckable — for all you know one of these girls will end up being the one you fuck. By placing the ulterior motive of using this girl to show the target how badass you are, you are actually making the girl you are talking to hot in the pants. People pick up on ulterior motives, even If they can’t place their finger on what that motive is. Girls love the idea of you wanting to fuck another girl, especially if they are the one that ends up fucking you.
ACT LIKE YOU ALREADY KNOW HER
So she has decided to ask you for a light, a cigarette, or has chosen a close path through the bar near you. Since you already know you are going to fuck her, treat her as if you already have. Talk to her like a human being. Feel free to treat her like you would the female co-worker that you always ride the line of sexual harassment with. Talk dirty, be honest, be charming. This does not mean actually sexually harass her. You have to be gay, from Mexico, over the hill, or married for girls to allow you to sexually harass them.
DISAGREE WITH HER
Disagreeing with something in the conversation is very important. Not only does it show you are not a pushover, she now knows that once you are tired of your sexual position, you will fess up and slap that ass to the proper place.
Try to have an underlining of being sneaky. This makes her believe you won’t be blabbing your mouth off about it. Also, if she thinks you have a significant other, you seem wanted and not desperate. Of course don’t ride this too hard.
FAKE PHONE CALLS AND / OR TEXTS
If you are there with friends, have them call or text you during the conversation. If you want to get really badass, put your friend’s name as a girl’s name for the night. While you talk to the girl, have your buddy text you, “I want you now.” Let her see it, but act like you didn’t mean for her to. Put your phone away quickly, like you are almost embarrassed by how bad girls want you.
GET THE COCK-BLOCK DRUNK
So here comes her friend to try to fuck up everything. The next trip to the bar, buy her a drink and make it a double. Keep her satisfied. Show the girl not only can you charm her, you can charm the fat bitch she uses as a soapbox.
FUCK HER UGLY FRIEND
So she hasn’t responded to coming over? Make sure to ask more than once. If you have gotten to the end of the line and bar time is looming and you don’t have time to start over with another girl, take the cock-block home and have some frustrated, fuck-you sex with the puff piece. Sometimes you got to take one for the team — the team being you, your cock, and balls. Remember: This was all about getting you laid, you asshole.